Dear self: get over it.

A new semester just began at my school. This means new classes and new people, right? Wrong.

I walk into my second class of the term and there is my ex. Laughing with some girl. Being my awkward self who was drenched from the rain, I walked over to say hello and chose a seat near the duo. He waved and then went back to his conversation as I stared down at my phone. A few minutes later some people I know walk in so I am not alone in the class with the ex and some chick he may or may not be sleeping with. After the two hours he leaves without saying goodbye.

After a conversation with a good friend who told me that my anger towards him was legit and that I have no obligation to be nice I went to the second day of class ignoring him. He ends up sitting across from me in the half circle of desks next to the same girl he was laughing with. They were whispering close in my direct view.

It is going to be a long semester. I feel like I am still in high school.

It went from no good to fucked up and over.

I have only been in love once. It was the most amazing experience, but ended in complete disaster.

J and I met through my roommate, someone who was a toxic friend in my life for several years. The romance was completely forbidden, but with mixtapes and late night phone calls we began a relationship.

He lived a four hour bus ride away, so for nine months much of my time was spent waiting in the greyhound station. It was all worth it though. When we were together it seemed as though nothing else matter. Reality ceased to exist and we were in our own world. The whole thing was very similar to a movie. I completely lost myself in the relationship and while doing so destroyed a relationship with my best friend and roommate.

The phone call that broke my heart was completely unexpected. It was over. He couldn't do it anymore, while I wanted to sacrifice everything to make it last. After the break-up I avoided everyone for weeks. I skipped classes to watch America's Next Top Model and eat lucky charms. Only the marshmallows though. That was the basis of my diet for 6 weeks.

I let myself fall because he was my support. He was my everything. Have you ever been in love? I mean like truly in love. Best and worst thing ever.

Following the break up, J would listen to me cry to him on the phone as he repeatedly say, " I don't know what to say or do." I would keep crying, he would keep listening.

We dwelled in our own heartache.

Those few weeks broke me. Even now, years later, I still compare guys to him. I often wonder if I will ever forget.

There's No Inbetween

(This is a post written by a friend of mine. A lot of people have asked me if they could write something for this blog anonymously about something they have no other place to vent about. If you are interested in posting here, email me!)

We've all been there. There's this guy. He's really good in bed. And as a gentleman he takes you out for breakfast (or at least coffee) the next day. Then you start seeking him out on the nights you are drunk and don't want to be alone. A little later, you start going to dinner, having phone conversations, and the incessant texting starts.There's more sex, a vacation or two, a hotel here and there, laughs, good conversation, more meals, and soon enough you kind of like him.

Damn.

I didn't want to like him. I don't date people. It's too messy and emotional and I personally just don't like it when someone has such control over my heart. But there I was, in the Land of the Inbetween with a guy 13 years my senior. With 5 kids, a not-quite-ex wife, and a load of baggage that almost matched mine.

Being responsible (for the first time ever) I had "THE TALK" with him. The talk about whether we should date or not. The talk lasted for 3 hours and got us nowhere.

Three days later I got desperate "I cannot do this" texts. Cool dude. "I'll give you some time." Thanks man. Appreciate it.

There was no time given. Unless you count the 6 hours of sleep I got.

And again, I was stuck in the Land of the Inbetween.

And again, two weeks later "I'm sorry I can't do this" texts. Again.

So I gave myself some time.

And I am no longer stuck in the Land of the Inbetween. Well let me put it this way, if the Land of the Inbetween were a quicksand pit, I'm getting pulled up and my feet are the only thing left stuck.

Now, can we be friends? Well, we're still sleeping together, so no, we can't.

Did I tell him that? No, not yet. I'm hoping silence will do that for me.

If everything is a learning experience, I must have learned something. But it's still to fresh to analyze. Maybe after I get my feet unstuck.....

Burning bridges, breaking hearts.

A problem I've been running into recently is guy friends wanting to be more than friends. Specifically one guy friend. We have known each other for years. He is hilarious and loves the same type as music as me so I love hanging out with him.

The other night we went to a show together. We hung out at my house before meeting up with friends at the concert. The whole time I felt abnormally uncomfortable because we were drinking and he began to make moves. Nothing too obvious, but moving closer to me on the couch and flirting with me.

Overall, he is a great guy, however, I am not attracted to him. I kind of wish I was because he would be an awesome boyfriend. I'm just not though and I don't really know how to go about letting down such a close friend. This has happened to me a few times before and it has usually ended in a ruined friendship.

Anyway, tonight I am going out for my friends birthday. It's not just any friend though, it is a mutual friend with the ex. He will probably be there. Details later.