Dear self: get over it.

A new semester just began at my school. This means new classes and new people, right? Wrong.

I walk into my second class of the term and there is my ex. Laughing with some girl. Being my awkward self who was drenched from the rain, I walked over to say hello and chose a seat near the duo. He waved and then went back to his conversation as I stared down at my phone. A few minutes later some people I know walk in so I am not alone in the class with the ex and some chick he may or may not be sleeping with. After the two hours he leaves without saying goodbye.

After a conversation with a good friend who told me that my anger towards him was legit and that I have no obligation to be nice I went to the second day of class ignoring him. He ends up sitting across from me in the half circle of desks next to the same girl he was laughing with. They were whispering close in my direct view.

It is going to be a long semester. I feel like I am still in high school.

It went from no good to fucked up and over.

I have only been in love once. It was the most amazing experience, but ended in complete disaster.

J and I met through my roommate, someone who was a toxic friend in my life for several years. The romance was completely forbidden, but with mixtapes and late night phone calls we began a relationship.

He lived a four hour bus ride away, so for nine months much of my time was spent waiting in the greyhound station. It was all worth it though. When we were together it seemed as though nothing else matter. Reality ceased to exist and we were in our own world. The whole thing was very similar to a movie. I completely lost myself in the relationship and while doing so destroyed a relationship with my best friend and roommate.

The phone call that broke my heart was completely unexpected. It was over. He couldn't do it anymore, while I wanted to sacrifice everything to make it last. After the break-up I avoided everyone for weeks. I skipped classes to watch America's Next Top Model and eat lucky charms. Only the marshmallows though. That was the basis of my diet for 6 weeks.

I let myself fall because he was my support. He was my everything. Have you ever been in love? I mean like truly in love. Best and worst thing ever.

Following the break up, J would listen to me cry to him on the phone as he repeatedly say, " I don't know what to say or do." I would keep crying, he would keep listening.

We dwelled in our own heartache.

Those few weeks broke me. Even now, years later, I still compare guys to him. I often wonder if I will ever forget.

There's No Inbetween

(This is a post written by a friend of mine. A lot of people have asked me if they could write something for this blog anonymously about something they have no other place to vent about. If you are interested in posting here, email me!)

We've all been there. There's this guy. He's really good in bed. And as a gentleman he takes you out for breakfast (or at least coffee) the next day. Then you start seeking him out on the nights you are drunk and don't want to be alone. A little later, you start going to dinner, having phone conversations, and the incessant texting starts.There's more sex, a vacation or two, a hotel here and there, laughs, good conversation, more meals, and soon enough you kind of like him.

Damn.

I didn't want to like him. I don't date people. It's too messy and emotional and I personally just don't like it when someone has such control over my heart. But there I was, in the Land of the Inbetween with a guy 13 years my senior. With 5 kids, a not-quite-ex wife, and a load of baggage that almost matched mine.

Being responsible (for the first time ever) I had "THE TALK" with him. The talk about whether we should date or not. The talk lasted for 3 hours and got us nowhere.

Three days later I got desperate "I cannot do this" texts. Cool dude. "I'll give you some time." Thanks man. Appreciate it.

There was no time given. Unless you count the 6 hours of sleep I got.

And again, I was stuck in the Land of the Inbetween.

And again, two weeks later "I'm sorry I can't do this" texts. Again.

So I gave myself some time.

And I am no longer stuck in the Land of the Inbetween. Well let me put it this way, if the Land of the Inbetween were a quicksand pit, I'm getting pulled up and my feet are the only thing left stuck.

Now, can we be friends? Well, we're still sleeping together, so no, we can't.

Did I tell him that? No, not yet. I'm hoping silence will do that for me.

If everything is a learning experience, I must have learned something. But it's still to fresh to analyze. Maybe after I get my feet unstuck.....

Burning bridges, breaking hearts.

A problem I've been running into recently is guy friends wanting to be more than friends. Specifically one guy friend. We have known each other for years. He is hilarious and loves the same type as music as me so I love hanging out with him.

The other night we went to a show together. We hung out at my house before meeting up with friends at the concert. The whole time I felt abnormally uncomfortable because we were drinking and he began to make moves. Nothing too obvious, but moving closer to me on the couch and flirting with me.

Overall, he is a great guy, however, I am not attracted to him. I kind of wish I was because he would be an awesome boyfriend. I'm just not though and I don't really know how to go about letting down such a close friend. This has happened to me a few times before and it has usually ended in a ruined friendship.

Anyway, tonight I am going out for my friends birthday. It's not just any friend though, it is a mutual friend with the ex. He will probably be there. Details later.

Living well is the best revenge.

This morning while I was at the gym, running on the treadmill, hair a mess, with sweat dripping down my face, I saw him. I quickly tried to wipe my face and fix my hair hoping he would not see me, but of course, he did. There was an awkward wave hello, then he went about his work out and I raised the speed on my treadmill. Running fast, trying not to let the memories overtake my head.

Yes, I had my first random Ex sighting. It's been about 2 months and considering that we go to the same University, It was bound to happen eventually. Why at the gym though? Why couldn't it have been on a good hair day when I was wearing a fabulously coordinated outfit?

After I left I received a text saying, "It was nice seeing you!" Really?! I guess him and I are talking now, despite months of silence. Why is it that someone can break up with you and also decide when you are on speaking terms again.

I'm sick of the guy being in control. He is though, because I responded. The text then turned into a long phone call.

Sigh.

I wish you would've put yourself in my suitcase.

(FYI...I wrote this on Friday)

Right now I am at work thinking about my co-worker. This is not new, he has been a major distraction for the past couple months. He is a composer, indie music lover and deep thinker. All of this is even more attractive due to the fact that he is a co-worker.

Our relationship began with flirting then moved to making playlists for each other and eventually to hanging out after work.

There are several problems with this. One being the fact that our company has about 10 employees and is dwindling. Every time we talk it is obvious throughout the office. Also, when he walks past my desk in his tight hipster outfit, smiling at me or when I come into work and find a playlist on my computer, I am entirely distracted. My productivity has reached an all time low. The third problem is that he has become one of the few things that even motivates me to go to my shitty job. When he isn't there my mood changes for the worst.

Yesterday when I was thinking about the post I would write about him, I assumed he would continue to be around for a while.

I was wrong.

This morning he pulled me into his office and told me he quit and had plans of moving across the country. Him quitting isn't a problem, the relocation to the west coast is though. There goes one of the biggest crushes I've had in years. He is going to remain in the city for a few more months and of course we already have several plans to hang out. He will be leaving eventually though and thinking about that breaks my heart a little bit. I find it hard to make deep connections with guys, especially single, datable guys. Honestly, I get nervous when I am with him. Definite butterflies.

Sad yet wishful indie music is on repeat and I am trying to live in the now. My goal is to not get any more attached than I already am.

Boys in swooping haircuts are bringing me down.

Currently I am single and surprisingly comfortable with that fact.

My last relationship was with a close friend of mine. I called him lunch date boy when we first met because that's what we did, lunch dates. He was so much different that most of the other guys I dated, responsible, preppy, Jewish and completely rational. Something about that seemed charming at the time.

Despite months of going on lunch dates, dinner dates and hanging out on a regular basis (while I was kind of seeing someone else), he didn't make a move until slightly inebriated after a party thrown by my roommate. Him and I were together for close to a year and for most of that time I was trying to make it work while he was apathetic. I was blind to that fact because I really, really liked him...or the comfort of being with someone who didn't try to get past the guard which I keep around my heart. Either way, I let myself continue dating someone who did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated.

He actually ended it before me...via the phone. We were in a fight, our only real fight ever, and I saw it coming, but so desperately wanted to make it all work out. He used the "it's not you, it's me" line which I've heard often but this time actually believed. As I cried, lunch date boy told me he thought that the relationship was going nowhere and he didn't want our friendship to be completely ruined.

Two months later, we don't have any sort of relationship. We are barely even acquaintances and I am so much happier. The more I think about him the more I wonder why I stuck with it. Am I that afraid of being alone? Perhaps. Note to self: don't make this mistake again.

Right now I am very much over the ex and drowning in crushes. Cute guitar boy, Russian hipster and the co-worker. All of them have their own complications though. Details later.

The quiet things that no one ever knows.

My first kiss was the summer after I turned fifteen when I worked at a summer camp. Many of the other counselors were guys and I developed a crush on one of them. He was tall, blonde, wore a studded belt and played guitar. I made my infatuation obvious, but, it was a different guy who kissed me behind the dining hall while I was completely unprepared. It was merely a peck and definitely not what I imagined a first kiss to be. Word spread through the staff, but I continued to deny rumors and pursue the punk rocker. Late one night he snuck to my cabin and gave me my first real kiss similar to one that would have been in a movie. We went steady for three years before I broke his heart.

Since then I have gone through several relationships, a couple heartbreaks and dozens of dates. I have never been inclined to settle despite watching my girl friends jump from one relationship to another, constantly needing a boy in their life. I would like one, but am quite picky and certainly do not need one. I can't get over he idea that one day someone such as Llyod Dobbler from Say Anything will enter my life and the rest will play out life a movie. I guess my high standards have come from being immersed in old movies and classic novels. Even if it is irrational, I refuse to lose hope that real romance still exists.

I date. A lot.

My type? Any. I like guys. Frat boy, punk rocker, hipster, musician, skater or nerd. I’m very open-minded as long as they can carry a conversation and keep me interested.

As my social media sites become more and more cluttered with ex boyfs, where can I rant, discuss and share stories about them? Clearly a blog. So here I am. Uncensored stories about a part of my life that I rarely confess the details of.